The OP's question was answered way back in post #3.
What we're doing now is just exchanging a few alternative ideas - you never know when some bright spark (pun intended) will stumble across something that'll be useful to someone else further down the line. There are actually a number of useful links in this thread, some of which I'd likely not have found on my own.
But your post has brought some much-needed humour into the discussion, so thank you.
That's exactly what I love about this forum